Does someone want to take charge of my crazy life?

Wanted: Someone to make sense and take charge of my life...

Qualifications--
Must know me inside and out and understand that there will be points in my life that are unfixable (i.e. parents, relatives, etc.). Also must be able to mend fences with people I offend, be able to cook a good meal and be willing to go bowling or shopping or any number of other things. Also needs to be able to talk at odd hours of the day or night.

Why would you want this position? Because you're a glutton for punishment and couldn't care less about the fact that you won't get paid for it!

Lastly, must be able to find me a woman that will love me for who I am and make sure that person is a good fit for me.

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Obviously, I'm not going to find any takers for this job (unless they're certifiably insane, lol), but I thought it would make a good, cynical statement for my year.
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Note: Remember, these are only opinions and if you really want to convince me otherwise, post your own response. "Go ahead, make my day!" Also, due to the amount of "ad postings" that I have deleted lately, I've had to add a verification word before you can post, sorry.
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A wise man once told me "Listen to the opinions of the extremes and you'll discover that the truth is somewhere in the middle."